Satiated Dreams Pt. 2

Satiated Dreams Pt. 1

Thanks again Camille for letting me photograph you, and special thanks to Ana for hosting us. See you all in 2016!

Satiated Dreams Pt. 1

There came a time last month when -- for what felt like the first time all year -- I was seemingly at peace. I realized early on this year that I am most definitely not where I imagined myself to be at this point in my life, and regardless of what other people say, the truth is that it's not okay. It's really not okay. What I've been telling myself as a desperate form of consolation is that I'm alive, at the very least.

Alive, but not necessarily living.

I've put some of my dreams to rest. They're buried elsewhere in my subconsciousness, in a place where they can stay safe. They're not dreams I can pursue at the moment, but I don't know if I will ever be able to pursue them at all in the long run.

In that aforementioned moment in time last month, I felt like I was going somewhere. Like I was on the road to someplace better.

But it might not be the right time yet. The thing is, I don't know what the 'right' time is, or if I can last until that time will come.

So, at this point, laying my dreams to rest feels like a sick way of satiating them, in a way. Setting them aside is my way of saying, "That's enough. You've done well. Go to sleep, we're done." It's not the happiest of satiations, but it's the only way I know how to protect myself.

Depressing things aside, my lovely Camille is back in town, prompting another Camina shoot, as per usual. The concept came to me around that particular time last month that I just mentioned, and it's a little inspired by Bangtan's The Most Beautiful Moment In Life albums, among other things. We'll be shooting part two next week, and it'll prolly be my last shoot for the year.

Thanks again Camille for another wonderful afternoon (especially when we spent the remainder of our time together just laughing at how ridiculous our Bangtan Boys are, lol).

Garden Weed

It was on a morning drive to school when I found out Marien -- whom I previously knew as The Upperclassman I Have Mutual Friends With -- is actually a family friend. I was probably a high school junior then; my dad was about to drop us off when he spotted someone he apparently recognized on campus.

"Is that Marien Jose?" he asked.

"Wait," I said, "how do you know her?"

Turns out our families are very good friends who go way back -- so much that apparently she and my cousins (and myself?) used to play together as children. The earliest memory I have of Marien is a little shrouded; at most, I remembered her as The Girl Who Actually Has Questor Issues That I Don't Own, back when I was at her house for some... family thing (I really don't remember why I was at her house that day), at a much younger age.

But this is all old news. Several years have passed since that revelation... and several months have come and gone before Marien and I finally got around to shooting together at last.

Because, you know, I always have to write some kind of mini-essay recounting my first encounters with whomever I'm shooting with for the first time. (See: Girl Almighty / Street Smart) Call it unofficial initiation.

Lol, jk.

These were shot just a few hours ago -- practically a new record for me to post so quickly, and with this amount too, considering my current track record of posting only one image per shoot.

Thanks again Marien for being so game. Ultimately, thank you for being very patient with me, seeing as I either always delayed this shoot, or I never did anything to get the ball rolling. You are a doll, and I'm glad you and I have our kooky families to bond over. Belated happy birthday as well, and here's to more collaborations in the future!

Evenfall

Stereotypical gothic-esque shoot for October a.k.a. Halloween season! Thank you so much to my team (Hi Alex! Hi Terry! Hi Je! Hi Stephy! Hi parents for sponsoring my life!) because this image would not have been possible without them. (Seriously though if it weren't for Terry's participation we wouldn't have achieved the final lighting setup.)

This has got to be one of my favorite shoots this year so far. Actual shooting took about 5 minutes or less because we managed to get the winner shot right away. One thing I've noticed about myself -- especially in comparison to my high school self -- is that I'm a lot more focused on quality than quantity now, both in shooting and the final photos that get to see the light of day.

I miss the naivety I had as a high schooler though. I used to have this fervent curiosity with photography; I was so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I'm still curious (I mean I've been very experimental with my photography this year), and I'm still excitable (to an extent), but there's definitely a light in me that has gone out over the years. Maybe it can't be helped, after the reality of, well, real life.

Anyway, advanced Happy Halloween everybody! Posting this now because I honestly couldn't wait until the 31st to share this. I was going to make this a part of the Hanahaki Byou series, but it just didn't go towards that direction. Also, this may or may not be a prelude to another shoot concept I'm cooking up. Who knows.

Alternate title is "Playboy Bunny Gone Wrong" or something along those lines, according to my friends. Stay spooky, kids!

Hazy

Photo from my shoot with Alex for our gaming blog. More photos and info here.

Most days, I feel like I'm floating. Most days feel like they're glazed over with this unexplainable haze, and most days I end up asking myself when this -- whatever this is -- will end. If it will ever end. I don't know what to do, when most of my days have a dwelling of anxiety and fear and misery and other dark things creeping around the corner -- dark things that could swallow me whole if I allow them to, and many a time I have come close to letting them in completely.

I have been drowning -- choking, suffocating -- and even when I get a breather, the air feels thick with an impending sense of despair, as if this is the only part in my life now that remains consistent, day after day.

Hanahaki Byou

Hanahaki Byou:
The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.

I'm not really sure where the whole Hanahaki Byou concept came from; I speculate that it was born from fanfiction or some other fandom ala Anterograde Tomorrow. Camille was actually the one who pitched this idea to me as she thought it'd make for a cool shoot idea. Originally, I wanted to use Janelle's favorite flowers, but I'm a cheapo and went with fake flowers instead since I have an abundance of those in the house.

The short film? motion editorial? was something I've been wanting to do for a while now, although putting the 'directed by' part makes me feel super gross and pretentious. There are several things about this... video that I wish I could improve on, but I'd like to think this was relatively okay. Some years ago, I made a couple (well, maybe just two) video studies/'short films', and I wish I had the same freaky aesthetic I had back then. Maybe I can make one for Halloween?

I intend to make this Hanahaki Byou thing a series, though I'm not sure if that would include making the motion editorial (I honestly have no idea what to call it) a series as well. This was the only thing I managed to shoot last month, seeing as August was such a whirlwind, though I find it fitting that my subject was the one August celebrant from our group of friends. Thanks again Janelle for being so game, and to Camille for pitching the idea!

Happy first ber month everybody!

Girl Almighty

 

Photographing Je has been something in the works for a while (read: 2014), but now that it finally happened, I couldn't be happier. Je was one of my first friends in SPCP; she was one of my first classmates when I was a new student, and our surnames alphabetically placed us within close proximity of each other. Back then I was completely clueless as to why some people incessantly made 'Mini Keyk' comments around her... until I saw the commercial for myself and became one of those aforementioned people. While Je and I weren't particularly close in high school (she has a much better relationship with Terry), we've grown substantially closer in recent years, which I can't be more thankful for.

(Idk why I always make brief write-ups of my history with whoever it is I'm shooting.)

Special thanks to Jam for helping out! Thanks again Je for letting me take your picture (and for constantly feeding my Directioner heart).

Camille

 

Aw shucks, I forgot this happened. Some time last month, I managed to kidnap Camille and bring her to my house for a quick shoot. In typical Camina fashion, we pretty much chilled and swapped stories afterwards. It was a pleasant afternoon, and I'm (as usual) looking forward to the next time I get to see this lovely specimen. Time with my favorite people really lifts my spirits some. Thanks again for letting me take your picture, Camille!

23

Hello. I turned 23 nearly a month ago. For my birthday, some friends got me books and makeup. Mostly makeup. I also got other things (Thanks, friends!), but I'll only be sharing the books and makeup part, since I usually only talk about those two things whenever I make 'haul' posts.

Every Day by David Levithan and Magonia by Maria Dahvana Headley, both from Jam. Magonia doesn't have its dust jacket in the picture because I was still reading it when this was taken. Every Day is special because it's Jam's own copy, and I've always associated Levithan with her, probably because the first ever Levithan book I read was How They Met and Other Stories, which Jam had lent me some years ago.

Inglot pigment from Alex! It matches with the liquid eyeliner my grandma coincidentally got me as well.

Said grandma also gave me a couple of her Revlon lippies. She's been an advocate of Revlon for 48965734896 years.

Eyeshadows from Camille! Who finally came to my house last month as well! Miracles do exist!!!!!

Sephora palette from my aunt and her family. Didn't bother swatching because I never really swatch palettes I guess...?

Thanks to everyone for all the birthday wishes!

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In other news, I went back to grandma hair again.

~*~spastic gif time~*~

It's a subtle duo-tone, where one side is grayer than the other. As of this post, my hair color has faded and is less gray now and more ash blonde, I think.

---

I have been unwell. I thought I was okay in April, but by the beginning of May I had a complete relapse. I haven't been able to recover since then, and I feel myself continuously falling backwards in a downward spiral. I thought turning 23 would be great, considering how that's also my favorite number (how naive), but so far my days have been obscured by a dark filter that I can't seem to look past.

I don't know what happened to me.

I don't know what to do.

Wonderwood

Thank you Janelle for letting me photograph you! Original concept courtesy of Terry, which I later revised and tailored into this final image. There are some things I wish I did differently -- just some little details I wish I had ironed out some, but nevertheless, I still really like the end product. Thank you for all the help, magical friends!

Love Me Like It's Prom Night

Also known as Prom 5.0 (see this post), but not really. Prom Night by Anamanaguchi is my new favorite song, and it was pretty much the inspiration for this shoot. I had a lot of fun executing this, especially considering how colorful it turned out! I'd have to say this was one of my more 'high production' shoots (by 'high production' I'm probably only referring to how much confetti I had to clean up once we were done), but the end result made everything worth it. Thanks again to Jam for being my space-girl-prom-queen hybrid. "Thanks po love you!"

Untitled

Something a little different, featuring the lovely face of Jam and the magical illustrating talents of Tintin. 'Untitled' because we honestly didn't know what to call it; this being a test shoot, the entirety of it was approached with an open theme. I've been experimenting a lot with some lights recently, and it has very much been a learning experience. I'm still a total noob at it and I've got a long way to go, but I'm really excited to get better and ~*~hone my craft~*~ and all that jazz. Lately, I've become a lot more focused in terms of pre-production, and it honestly has made a difference in the quality of my work.

That, or making an effort in pre-production has made shooting go a lot more smoothly, and all my usual models would know how... all over the place my shoots are LOL

This is also the first time Tin and I have ~*~collaborated~*~ (sans a shoot here and there for her online stores). It was a long time coming (literally, we've been meaning to collab for actual years), but it never really happened until now because... well, I never really had any appropriate material that felt 'right' for some Tintin Lontoc TLC (joke what am i saying omg). I do have a concept I intend to pursue for a future collab with Tin, but it won't be seeing the light of day until I know I've really tailored what my vision will be for that collaboration.

Thanks to Jam, not just for being my model, but for all those nice talks we've been having. It's nice having one-on-one chats with good friends, but there's a deeper level of intimacy between friends who can genuinely empathize with each other (BADUMTUSS THIS IS ACTUALLY AN INSIDE JOKE). And of course, thank you again for working magic, Tin! Your illustrations really gave the extra pizazz that the photos needed. (Thank you especially for reaching out after my Dark Places post. It really, really meant a lot.)

I'M SO LUCKY TO BE FRIENDS WITH SUCH RAD KIDS, R U JELLY???

VAS HAPPENING

Some back issues and stuff I've acquired the past few weeks. The bottom row is a bargain I snagged in Baguio, and all four cost less than one i-D back issue from Booksale (and that's saying something, considering the i-D back issue was only 150 pesos). I can never get enough of magazines for dirt cheap.

Dark Places

For lunch I had some slices of pizza and a hefty serving of thoughtful conversations with Jam. We don't get to talk a lot, and admittedly I don't usually run to her when I have problems. But out of all my friends, Jam is the one who truly understands what I've been going through these past odd months. I have people who hold my hand when I cry, who lend an ear when I need someone to just sit down and listen, but it's another story when you find someone who completely empathizes with your situation.

It's not about the support being shown or the person's presence in your life. The fact that they can understand something as complex as your feelings is invaluable. There's a connection that no one else can comprehend, and it's a connection you end up cherishing for the years to come.

Things have been rather bumpy in my personal life lately. There's this weird limbo I'm still struggling to get out of, and at times it can feel a little suffocating. Sometimes you feel so alone and helpless, and it's like no one really understands how you feel. Sometimes, these thoughts can push you towards the dark recesses of your mind. They'll drive you towards the isolating corners that ultimately hold you back from -- and this is going to be totally cheesy -- the pursuit of happiness.

It's a sick kind of comfort, knowing there is someone you love who is going through the same pain and trials as you are. There is a less twisted comfort in knowing you can be there for each other, trying to feel your way out of the black hole you've both been trapped in. You have to fall down to get back up; the fall itself has been quite an eye-opening ride, and the landing was rough and painful. Climbing my way back up is going to be another adventure -- one that will be a more humbling and less lonesome experience, because I know there are people who have the most generous of hands reaching out to pull me out of this dark place I'm in.

Falter

Trying to keep my head up, one day at a time.

#ootd

Frankly, Terry and I weren't sure what to call this shoot. What was supposed to be a satirical mish-mash of random #geekgirl cultures became a poke at the whole #fashionblogger scene instead. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally in on this joke since I still document my outfits from time to time, but I'm definitely not what one would call a legitimate 'fashion blogger,' especially in this day and age where such a term can already be considered an actual profession. I've been disillusioned by the local ~*~fashion blogging~*~ scene since around 2013 or so, but even back in those days I never felt like I was part of that... circle, so to say. I documented my outfits, sure, so I was a personal style blogger, to an extent. But there was always a degree of exclusivity that came with that scene, to the point that I often felt a disconnect to the whole thing.

You can find Terry on http://shootingstarlikewoah.blogspot.com and http://terfairysaurus.blogspot.com!

An #ootd (I cringe at how I used to actually use this hashtag, let alone hashtags in general. QUE HORROR!) would not be complete without the quintessential full body and detail shots. (And, well... okay, this was also called #ootd because this is an outfit Terry would wear any regular day -- any non-school day, to be precise, because her school's dress code has taken over her life.)

But hey, this was all done in good nature. No hard feelings, #fashionbloggers. Y'all are cool. P-P-P-PEACE!