Thursday, December 31, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
There came a time last month when -- for what felt like the first time all year -- I was seemingly at peace. I realized early on this year that I am most definitely not where I imagined myself to be at this point in my life, and regardless of what other people say, the truth is that it's not okay. It's really not okay. What I've been telling myself as a desperate form of consolation is that I'm alive, at the very least.
Alive, but not necessarily living.
I've put some of my dreams to rest. They're buried elsewhere in my subconsciousness, in a place where they can stay safe. They're not dreams I can pursue at the moment, but I don't know if I will ever be able to pursue them at all in the long run.
In that aforementioned moment in time last month, I felt like I was going somewhere. Like I was on the road to someplace better.
But it might not be the right time yet. The thing is, I don't know what the 'right' time is, or if I can last until that time will come.
So, at this point, laying my dreams to rest feels like a sick way of satiating them, in a way. Setting them aside is my way of saying, "That's enough. You've done well. Go to sleep, we're done." It's not the happiest of satiations, but it's the only way I know how to protect myself.
Depressing things aside, my lovely Camille is back in town, prompting another Camina shoot, as per usual. The concept came to me around that particular time last month that I just mentioned, and it's a little inspired by Bangtan's The Most Beautiful Moment In Life albums, among other things. We'll be shooting part two next week, and it'll prolly be my last shoot for the year.
Thanks again Camille for another wonderful afternoon (especially when we spent the remainder of our time together just laughing at how ridiculous our Bangtan Boys are, lol).