Emmanuelle

First shoot of the year featuring Emman! Ever since I met Emman in 2013, I've been wanting to photograph her, but as per usual it took me forever to schedule something. We finally managed to pull something off last week, with the two of us doing the styling and Emman doing her makeup and her brother Marc (whom I adore!!!) doing the... moral support.

The shoot was a brief one -- I'd say we wrapped up in an hour or so -- and the rest of the afternoon was spent just swapping stories about family life, schooling life, and non-existent love lives. I've always loved Emman because she's such a sweetheart, and while this was only our second time hanging out, I can tell she's definitely a keeper.

(And I mean, we always freak out on Twitter anyway, and what better way to bring people together than with their feelings?)

The shoot was just some simple portraiture to get the ball rolling for the year. Whereas 2015 was the year I experimented a lot with my photography (and with a lot of fake flowers, hence 2015 being the Year of the Plantation), 2016 will be... I guess honing my 'skills'? I still want to experiment even more, as there's just so much room to improve and explore, but this time I'll be pacing myself. I'm still aiming for monthly shoots, but I want to be less rushed and more prepared this time around.

By the way, I made an Instagram account solely for my photography, and I plan on using the '#theinaesthetic' hashtag for... ~*~branding~*~ purposes. (Trust me, I feel gross about it.) "The Inaesthetic" because Ina + aesthetic = my aesthetic, but also refers to 'inaesthetic' as in violating aesthetic standards. Quite contradictory, but I like it. Nevertheless, I think this was a good start to the year in terms of my photography.

Thanks again Emman and Marc for a wonderful afternoon! I'm really looking forward to working together again.

Photography 2015

2015 might have been my most challenging year yet, but I'm glad I at least managed to follow through with my personal goal of shooting at least once a month. What I am more proud of is the fact that I not only shot in quantity, but in quality as well. I'd like to think I've grown and somewhat improved as an artist, and I hope this translated in the photographs I produced in the past year.

I'm going to try and continue this one-shoot-a-month thing, especially since two of my 2015 shoots were only conducted due to other reasons, like work (July shoot with Plump.ph, which I never really blogged about for some reason) or blog duties (i.e. September shoot, which was more like sneaking in a photo within a shoot trying to emulate another concept, and thus does not feel like it was entirely my own shoot... if that makes sense).

Thank you to everyone who was a part of my 2015, be it personally, professionally, creatively, or what have you. I hope we get to work again this 2016, and I most definitely hope I get to work with new people in the year ahead!

I'll leave y'all with links to the respective shoots from 2015, in case you'd like to see more:

January

• First Shoot 2015

• Anette Vol. I | Anette Vol. II

February

• Of Peacocks and Picasso

March

• #ootd

April

• Dark Places

• Untitled

May

• Love Me Like It's Prom Night

• Wonderwood

• Camille

June

• Girl Almighty

July

• Fashion 911: Dealing With Bipolar Weather

August

• Hanahaki Byou

September

• Hazy

October

• Evenfall

November

• Garden Weed

December

• Satiated Dreams Pt. 1

• Satiated Dreams Pt. 2

Satiated Dreams Pt. 2

Satiated Dreams Pt. 1

Thanks again Camille for letting me photograph you, and special thanks to Ana for hosting us. See you all in 2016!

Satiated Dreams Pt. 1

There came a time last month when -- for what felt like the first time all year -- I was seemingly at peace. I realized early on this year that I am most definitely not where I imagined myself to be at this point in my life, and regardless of what other people say, the truth is that it's not okay. It's really not okay. What I've been telling myself as a desperate form of consolation is that I'm alive, at the very least.

Alive, but not necessarily living.

I've put some of my dreams to rest. They're buried elsewhere in my subconsciousness, in a place where they can stay safe. They're not dreams I can pursue at the moment, but I don't know if I will ever be able to pursue them at all in the long run.

In that aforementioned moment in time last month, I felt like I was going somewhere. Like I was on the road to someplace better.

But it might not be the right time yet. The thing is, I don't know what the 'right' time is, or if I can last until that time will come.

So, at this point, laying my dreams to rest feels like a sick way of satiating them, in a way. Setting them aside is my way of saying, "That's enough. You've done well. Go to sleep, we're done." It's not the happiest of satiations, but it's the only way I know how to protect myself.

Depressing things aside, my lovely Camille is back in town, prompting another Camina shoot, as per usual. The concept came to me around that particular time last month that I just mentioned, and it's a little inspired by Bangtan's The Most Beautiful Moment In Life albums, among other things. We'll be shooting part two next week, and it'll prolly be my last shoot for the year.

Thanks again Camille for another wonderful afternoon (especially when we spent the remainder of our time together just laughing at how ridiculous our Bangtan Boys are, lol).

Garden Weed

It was on a morning drive to school when I found out Marien -- whom I previously knew as The Upperclassman I Have Mutual Friends With -- is actually a family friend. I was probably a high school junior then; my dad was about to drop us off when he spotted someone he apparently recognized on campus.

"Is that Marien Jose?" he asked.

"Wait," I said, "how do you know her?"

Turns out our families are very good friends who go way back -- so much that apparently she and my cousins (and myself?) used to play together as children. The earliest memory I have of Marien is a little shrouded; at most, I remembered her as The Girl Who Actually Has Questor Issues That I Don't Own, back when I was at her house for some... family thing (I really don't remember why I was at her house that day), at a much younger age.

But this is all old news. Several years have passed since that revelation... and several months have come and gone before Marien and I finally got around to shooting together at last.

Because, you know, I always have to write some kind of mini-essay recounting my first encounters with whomever I'm shooting with for the first time. (See: Girl Almighty / Street Smart) Call it unofficial initiation.

Lol, jk.

These were shot just a few hours ago -- practically a new record for me to post so quickly, and with this amount too, considering my current track record of posting only one image per shoot.

Thanks again Marien for being so game. Ultimately, thank you for being very patient with me, seeing as I either always delayed this shoot, or I never did anything to get the ball rolling. You are a doll, and I'm glad you and I have our kooky families to bond over. Belated happy birthday as well, and here's to more collaborations in the future!

Evenfall

Stereotypical gothic-esque shoot for October a.k.a. Halloween season! Thank you so much to my team (Hi Alex! Hi Terry! Hi Je! Hi Stephy! Hi parents for sponsoring my life!) because this image would not have been possible without them. (Seriously though if it weren't for Terry's participation we wouldn't have achieved the final lighting setup.)

This has got to be one of my favorite shoots this year so far. Actual shooting took about 5 minutes or less because we managed to get the winner shot right away. One thing I've noticed about myself -- especially in comparison to my high school self -- is that I'm a lot more focused on quality than quantity now, both in shooting and the final photos that get to see the light of day.

I miss the naivety I had as a high schooler though. I used to have this fervent curiosity with photography; I was so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I'm still curious (I mean I've been very experimental with my photography this year), and I'm still excitable (to an extent), but there's definitely a light in me that has gone out over the years. Maybe it can't be helped, after the reality of, well, real life.

Anyway, advanced Happy Halloween everybody! Posting this now because I honestly couldn't wait until the 31st to share this. I was going to make this a part of the Hanahaki Byou series, but it just didn't go towards that direction. Also, this may or may not be a prelude to another shoot concept I'm cooking up. Who knows.

Alternate title is "Playboy Bunny Gone Wrong" or something along those lines, according to my friends. Stay spooky, kids!

Hazy

Photo from my shoot with Alex for our gaming blog. More photos and info here.

Most days, I feel like I'm floating. Most days feel like they're glazed over with this unexplainable haze, and most days I end up asking myself when this -- whatever this is -- will end. If it will ever end. I don't know what to do, when most of my days have a dwelling of anxiety and fear and misery and other dark things creeping around the corner -- dark things that could swallow me whole if I allow them to, and many a time I have come close to letting them in completely.

I have been drowning -- choking, suffocating -- and even when I get a breather, the air feels thick with an impending sense of despair, as if this is the only part in my life now that remains consistent, day after day.