Satiated Dreams Pt. 2

Satiated Dreams Pt. 1

Thanks again Camille for letting me photograph you, and special thanks to Ana for hosting us. See you all in 2016!

Satiated Dreams Pt. 1

There came a time last month when -- for what felt like the first time all year -- I was seemingly at peace. I realized early on this year that I am most definitely not where I imagined myself to be at this point in my life, and regardless of what other people say, the truth is that it's not okay. It's really not okay. What I've been telling myself as a desperate form of consolation is that I'm alive, at the very least.

Alive, but not necessarily living.

I've put some of my dreams to rest. They're buried elsewhere in my subconsciousness, in a place where they can stay safe. They're not dreams I can pursue at the moment, but I don't know if I will ever be able to pursue them at all in the long run.

In that aforementioned moment in time last month, I felt like I was going somewhere. Like I was on the road to someplace better.

But it might not be the right time yet. The thing is, I don't know what the 'right' time is, or if I can last until that time will come.

So, at this point, laying my dreams to rest feels like a sick way of satiating them, in a way. Setting them aside is my way of saying, "That's enough. You've done well. Go to sleep, we're done." It's not the happiest of satiations, but it's the only way I know how to protect myself.

Depressing things aside, my lovely Camille is back in town, prompting another Camina shoot, as per usual. The concept came to me around that particular time last month that I just mentioned, and it's a little inspired by Bangtan's The Most Beautiful Moment In Life albums, among other things. We'll be shooting part two next week, and it'll prolly be my last shoot for the year.

Thanks again Camille for another wonderful afternoon (especially when we spent the remainder of our time together just laughing at how ridiculous our Bangtan Boys are, lol).

Garden Weed

It was on a morning drive to school when I found out Marien -- whom I previously knew as The Upperclassman I Have Mutual Friends With -- is actually a family friend. I was probably a high school junior then; my dad was about to drop us off when he spotted someone he apparently recognized on campus.

"Is that Marien Jose?" he asked.

"Wait," I said, "how do you know her?"

Turns out our families are very good friends who go way back -- so much that apparently she and my cousins (and myself?) used to play together as children. The earliest memory I have of Marien is a little shrouded; at most, I remembered her as The Girl Who Actually Has Questor Issues That I Don't Own, back when I was at her house for some... family thing (I really don't remember why I was at her house that day), at a much younger age.

But this is all old news. Several years have passed since that revelation... and several months have come and gone before Marien and I finally got around to shooting together at last.

Because, you know, I always have to write some kind of mini-essay recounting my first encounters with whomever I'm shooting with for the first time. (See: Girl Almighty / Street Smart) Call it unofficial initiation.

Lol, jk.

These were shot just a few hours ago -- practically a new record for me to post so quickly, and with this amount too, considering my current track record of posting only one image per shoot.

Thanks again Marien for being so game. Ultimately, thank you for being very patient with me, seeing as I either always delayed this shoot, or I never did anything to get the ball rolling. You are a doll, and I'm glad you and I have our kooky families to bond over. Belated happy birthday as well, and here's to more collaborations in the future!

Evenfall

Stereotypical gothic-esque shoot for October a.k.a. Halloween season! Thank you so much to my team (Hi Alex! Hi Terry! Hi Je! Hi Stephy! Hi parents for sponsoring my life!) because this image would not have been possible without them. (Seriously though if it weren't for Terry's participation we wouldn't have achieved the final lighting setup.)

This has got to be one of my favorite shoots this year so far. Actual shooting took about 5 minutes or less because we managed to get the winner shot right away. One thing I've noticed about myself -- especially in comparison to my high school self -- is that I'm a lot more focused on quality than quantity now, both in shooting and the final photos that get to see the light of day.

I miss the naivety I had as a high schooler though. I used to have this fervent curiosity with photography; I was so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I'm still curious (I mean I've been very experimental with my photography this year), and I'm still excitable (to an extent), but there's definitely a light in me that has gone out over the years. Maybe it can't be helped, after the reality of, well, real life.

Anyway, advanced Happy Halloween everybody! Posting this now because I honestly couldn't wait until the 31st to share this. I was going to make this a part of the Hanahaki Byou series, but it just didn't go towards that direction. Also, this may or may not be a prelude to another shoot concept I'm cooking up. Who knows.

Alternate title is "Playboy Bunny Gone Wrong" or something along those lines, according to my friends. Stay spooky, kids!

Hazy

Photo from my shoot with Alex for our gaming blog. More photos and info here.

Most days, I feel like I'm floating. Most days feel like they're glazed over with this unexplainable haze, and most days I end up asking myself when this -- whatever this is -- will end. If it will ever end. I don't know what to do, when most of my days have a dwelling of anxiety and fear and misery and other dark things creeping around the corner -- dark things that could swallow me whole if I allow them to, and many a time I have come close to letting them in completely.

I have been drowning -- choking, suffocating -- and even when I get a breather, the air feels thick with an impending sense of despair, as if this is the only part in my life now that remains consistent, day after day.

Hanahaki Byou

Hanahaki Byou:
The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.

I'm not really sure where the whole Hanahaki Byou concept came from; I speculate that it was born from fanfiction or some other fandom ala Anterograde Tomorrow. Camille was actually the one who pitched this idea to me as she thought it'd make for a cool shoot idea. Originally, I wanted to use Janelle's favorite flowers, but I'm a cheapo and went with fake flowers instead since I have an abundance of those in the house.

The short film? motion editorial? was something I've been wanting to do for a while now, although putting the 'directed by' part makes me feel super gross and pretentious. There are several things about this... video that I wish I could improve on, but I'd like to think this was relatively okay. Some years ago, I made a couple (well, maybe just two) video studies/'short films', and I wish I had the same freaky aesthetic I had back then. Maybe I can make one for Halloween?

I intend to make this Hanahaki Byou thing a series, though I'm not sure if that would include making the motion editorial (I honestly have no idea what to call it) a series as well. This was the only thing I managed to shoot last month, seeing as August was such a whirlwind, though I find it fitting that my subject was the one August celebrant from our group of friends. Thanks again Janelle for being so game, and to Camille for pitching the idea!

Happy first ber month everybody!

Girl Almighty

 

Photographing Je has been something in the works for a while (read: 2014), but now that it finally happened, I couldn't be happier. Je was one of my first friends in SPCP; she was one of my first classmates when I was a new student, and our surnames alphabetically placed us within close proximity of each other. Back then I was completely clueless as to why some people incessantly made 'Mini Keyk' comments around her... until I saw the commercial for myself and became one of those aforementioned people. While Je and I weren't particularly close in high school (she has a much better relationship with Terry), we've grown substantially closer in recent years, which I can't be more thankful for.

(Idk why I always make brief write-ups of my history with whoever it is I'm shooting.)

Special thanks to Jam for helping out! Thanks again Je for letting me take your picture (and for constantly feeding my Directioner heart).